Nature and Nurture - The Formative years - Part 1

How did I become who I am?

I believe its mostly nurture or the situations I lived through and learned from that moulded my views. Deep down there is a set of beliefs I still subscribe to but sometimes for the life of me I can't help but be what I've become. This is how I lost my wife. I knew I had to change, I knew I was destroying our marriage, but I couldn't stop. I suppose that's called addiction.

What am I addicted to?

I used to believe I was addicted to sex and specifically the pursuit and conquest of married women. Then I thought I was addicted to being bad. Reflecting on my myself though I realise that the sex is just an avenue, a pathway to exercise my addiction. I believe now that I'm addicted to making myself unassailable - Like John Malcovich's characted in Dangerous Liaisons - I need to be able to say 'it's beyond my control'. But then in being able to say that, like his character I exercise control so I am actually addicted to control and more specifically I am addicted to not giving away control by surreptitiously taking control.

So long as that's clear *)

I grew up in a very male environment. My mother died when I was young and I have no sisters. My father owned an auto electrical and panel-beating business. He was a very imposing man who solved most problems head on. He loved us but it was never expressed in hugs or words, more rewards and nods of approval. He understood success as a tradesman does, through the effort of hard labour and in that he and my brother found a common bond. I, on the other hand, became more interested in using my head than my hands from early on. He never discouraged me but more than once and increasingly as I got older I saw his inner struggle with trying to understand the value of what I did and struggling to honestly appreciate what he didn't understand. We were the wealthiest house in a generally poor street. My father loaned money to a lot of people and they paid back! We had the only swimming pool in the street.

Our neighbours were a younger couple. We rarely saw the husband, who I think was in something like sales or insurance at the beginning. His wife was a teacher, a dainty elegant woman who stood out in a street where every other wife had either stayed at home, had numerous children or that certain aged look about them. I couldn't at the time conceptualise how it came to be, or what she saw in him, but my father was fucking her every chance he got. Years later as my world expanded and I could see beyond my boyish realm, I'd realise that almost everyone in the neighbourhood knew and I would see more clearly how she was so alone.

Her daughter who I will call Sally (because she had the bubbly energy and contagious smile of Sally Field - A special note, I like movies as you've probably guessed and I tend to characterise people according to similarities with personalities or characters. I would appreciate if someone could tell me if that is annoying or not allowed?)

Sally became my best friend very quickly. Like her mother or probably because of her mother she displayed an elegance that no one else I knew had. She danced and looked beautiful when she danced. Like any young boy I quickly fell in love, even though she was three years younger and I spent untold hours understanding those feelings next to my radio or the old cassette player listening to crooners lecturing on love.

My brother the remaining influence in my early life emulated my father but not as well. Where dad had a natural power over people, due to his size, power, those looks he could give and knowing the power of authoritative silence; my brother quickly became the street tough guy. I know dad had been in lots of fights, but in my life I know personally of only two incidents. My brother on the other hand was constantly beating up someone or the other, occasionally police would bring him home and he did spend more than a night cooling off in jail. It was annoying him as a brother as I soon realised that there was little basis for communication. He knew a few things and even those were mostly wrong. I made the mistake once or twice of correcting his ignorance and I regretted it as I'm sure a lot of younger brothers who question their older brothers will.

The first time I saw sex I was pretty young. My brother called, or rather yanked me and took me out to the workshop in the back. Stacking a few tyres or something he told me to look inside with him. There was Sally's mum and my dad. I remember the glazed look she had as my father had her bent over the workbench and rode into her. As I watched, my ears started picking up the empassioned grunts from the both of them and the slapping of flesh. He looked monstrous over her.

I felt guilty talking to Sally later and shyly greeted her mother from across the fence, probably staring too hard.

I spent a lot of time with Sally, seeing a confidant and a shared interest in the less, as I thought at the time, banal side of things. She would wait for me with her friends and I would walk her home every day. Once a few of the neighbourhood thugs wanted something, I forget what, but I remember the fear in them when I said I would call my brother. I resented that with all my perceived superiority I could not protect Sally or myself and that I needed to invoke my brother.

I was convinced that Sally and I would eventually marry and that we were meant to be.

Then of course things changed.

I spent a holiday away from home at an english academy. It was a gruelling three weeks but I learnt a lot and saw the world grow. There was so much more I could do.

We left for home about in the early afternoon and on the two hour drive back all I could think of was Sally.

My father wasn't home but my brother's car was there (You'll notice I have not associated him with a character)

I think I knew when I saw her bag on the lounge floor but still I insisted on knowing. Listening at the door I could hear the sounds I'd heard before from his room. (As I got older my brother delighted in letting me know how incredible he was with girls. He would tell me who he was going to be fucking and tell me to listen at the door. Sadly I often did). Still I resisted the knowledge.

I took his cigarettes from his jacket and went out into the front yard, I sat on the grass and smoked incessantly, my eyes fixed on the door. I must have smoked about 5 and my throat was raw. When Sally came out, she wasn't smiling which I did notice, and eventually saw me she seemed paralysed then hardened right in front of me "I've got stuff to do. See you later" was about what she said as she walked away, trying to look aloof, or not caring - I did not know which at the time.

I went in the house to confront him. Honestly I believed virtuous purpose would empower me and I could 'take him'.

I'll finish part 2 later if I can.


Is this interesting to anyone? I find it usefull for myself as I chart what to do next and learn to accept who I am. Are others in the same situation or have you been moulded by events like I think I was?


So much to know.

Vincent

Help - Blogging

Please could someone advise me on a quick way to spruce up my blog. Where do I find good templates, gadgets etc...

About me - Current women situation

I was going to include this in the last post but it seemed out of place. I love women and I love sex. I love to fuck, there I said it.

Some people look at legs or eyes but I am constantly finding new things to amaze me in the feminine form.

I've been involved with my PA for about 14 months now. She's an amazing young lady and yes I did employ her because of her looks as well as her professional ability. I'll call her Annie because she has a striking resemblance in looks and personality to the bride from the Steve Martin movie Father of the Bride.

I used to get together with one of the business analysts but thats not happened since last year. There's no animosity between us and its been probably the most adult and mature affair I have had. She's just moving on I guess. The thing is she is by far the smartest BA I have and probably the smartest in the company. I think she has an amazing future ahead of her and if I can help her get there, or help her by staying out of her way, I will do that. I think like a teacher, the greatest reward to a manager is when your student or staff member, because of your help to some small extent, exceeds you. I'll call her Emily.

I do sometimes pay to see a certain goddess of sexuality. I'll call her Sandra - She seems like a Sandra (said Sah-n-dra) to me :). I know a lot of people will be opposed to this, but it happens and its a valid part of my life. I've learned a lot from women like Sandra over the years.

That's the current line-up. Only 2 women with me steadily becoming more of a mentor (I hope) than a lover for Emily. There have been others, but this is where today stands. Most of the time I'm alone in my very functional but personality-less house. That's why I can blog :)

Annie and Emily are both married. I'll refrain from jumping too quickly into why I go into hungry dog mode for some married women.

FIN-

About me

I am a 41 year old man who has had a colourful educational and career path.

I am divorced 3 years now. I believe that losing her was the single stupidest yet unstoppable thing that has ever happened to me. There is little good about a divorce, especially if you still love each other and moreso if you have children, but there is a little comfort in knowing that we managed to divorce before it was too late and that at least in that, perverse as it may sound I was able to put my love for her above by need for her. I'll write about that sometime.

I have a son who is 10 going on 20 except when its time for wealthe redistribution and then he is either a trained economist or plays the part of the fragile child in need of the love (kids can be political players of serious note) that buying [something] will bring - being the child of divorced parents is not a tool in the arsenal that he refrains from using, though he will not use it too much.

I love him with all my heart and he has been the anchor against my drifting totally into the sea of selfishness.

Physically I am 5'10 tall. I was not a sportsman in school but I did see early on the value of exercise and that has helped a lot. I can still run a half marathon.

I currently head a team of business analysts, a PA and one very antagonising, but incredibly clever IT architect who I've begun to understand.

My job is to orchestrate their talents so that we create products that make sense and of course money.

I play poker occasionally. I ride my bike. Take very long drives and of course love the internet.

I have a brother who I am not very close to anymore [I'll elaborate later]. I try to schedule times to call him and time to visit but we are different people. The only time he calls me is for money and as much as I would like to ignore that, its just too true. He used to call me when my dad was alive.

My dad died 6 years ago from excess. Excess in everything - smoking, drinking, stress, anger - he was the case study in excess.

My mom died when I was 5 and I do envy those who grew up with a mother.

That's me in a nutshell

Introduction

Where to start. Actually I think everyone starts a blog with a million ideas in their head and eager to start writing.

I'm sure many bloggers will empathise with this and then the little bit of fear of exposure or wondering what the point in writing all of this is anyway?

I hope it's interesting to someone out there and evein if not I hope blogging serves as a good way to converse with myself. Multiple personality disorder anyone?

For the purpose of this blog my name will be Vincent. It's not my real name but not entirely a pseudonym either.

I want to write primarily about my sexual life. To write this I want to expose my recent and distant past and then lead into my current life.

The reasons for this are plentiful, but mostly centre around boredom, curiosity what others think, vanity and of course a means to examine myself. Also I've read lots of blogs online and would like to share in the experience even though I can't qualify what that experience is.

I would apprciate any criticism and compliments, both on what I write and how I write it. I suppose another reason for the blog is that I believe deep down that I can possibly write in such a way as to convey what I am thinking and feeling.

Ok, I'll admit it - I would love to be JK Rowling :)

The blog is about my sexuality, how it has developed and where it has led me. I am no Cassanova, I'll admit that freely as well as admit that I have had more failures than successes with women. I just tend to keep trying and not let the failures bring me down.

I have a particular interest in married women. Why? I don't really know. It seems to be a combination of nature and nurture elements

Am I using the blog to brag? Definitely but there's more to it than that.

If you don't like what you read please navigate away from my page and add it to your blocked site list on your firewall. I am really not looking to convince anyone or have searing arguments that neither party can win because of pig-headedness from both our sides. Yes I am obstinate too.

I would like to make acquaintance and converse with people though. Not demons as they may perceive me or I them, just people.

Ask me anything and I will try to answer.

This blog is for adults only, not so much because of the adult content but because I would prefer to talk to adults and because of the rules of the world.

Please if you are underage, please respect that, do not enter the blog and cause me trouble.


V